Walk By Faith - Billy Minshall
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”-2 Corinthians 5:7
For most of the year, I have been in a desert. I lost a job in late January, and since then I have been searching for work. Months passed and nothing happened. Plans to move, to buy a car, take a vacation—all sidelined. And every door I tried to open wouldn’t budge, no matter how hard I tried. I have always been able to “make things happen.” But not this year. So inside my head there were thunderstorms. Regret, doubt, lots and lots of fear and guilt, though I had done nothing wrong. My position was eliminated due to budget cuts, and yet I still internalized it as my fault. But no matter how hard I tried, the rain would not come. It’s like God was saying, “stay in your seat and stop bothering others. That’s quite enough out of you. I promise I will be back when the time is right.”
Still, I obsessed. If you look at my job history you would think that I was an indecisive flake, a madman, or a lost soul— all of which have been true at one point or another. A baffling collection of odd service jobs, hospital, nonprofit and church work crowd my resume. Making sense of my work history is like looking at some dusty patchwork quilt you’d find at Goodwill. You might think, “who made this and why?” My weird work history is the result of an inconsistent and turbulent life. For most of my adult life, I was sidelined by alcohol and chemical dependence. I got sober 11 years ago, and since then I have been trying to reclaim (or reveal) who I am.
And I believe that this year’s desert revealed that I am an artistic caregiver. The two coexist quite nicely, actually. I’m an actor who works at churches. I prefer writing stories rather than retelling them verbally. I am a husband, brother, cat owner, friend, son, nephew, guest preacher, youth pastor and in-law who cares about people. I have a keen ear best suited for listening. And I’m studying to become a chaplain because—well, why not? It seems to make sense.
By the way, the rain came like it always does. New opportunities are just around the corner for me. I really didn’t make them happen. When I exert my terrible will onto the universe and make demands on God, the only storms I experience are the ones in my head. I am reminded that I must walk by faith, because It’s all I have ever done. It’s really the only thing I can do.