Listen For Shame Underneath

This week we are tending to our anger - listening to it, perhaps even learning from it. As we do so, let’s listen in to an expert in the field of counseling:

Anger can rise to our defense in yet another way: to mask the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy that stem from being dependent on others…. It is more comfortable to feel angry than to feel ashamed. While anger may occur by itself as a response to some external threat or internal trigger, many psychotherapists believe anger is more often a secondary feeling. It shields us from the unpleasantness of a primary feeling, one we experience first in response to a situation or event. Generally, the primary feeling is fear, inadequacy, helplessness, or anxiety, any of which are closely tied to shame.

• Eunice Cavanaugh, M.Ed., M.S.W., Understanding Shame

With that idea in the forefront of your mind, read these words from David. In one of his most celebrated poems, David makes an abrupt shift away from beautiful images of feeling close to God. It can feel like whiplash reading it, because right afterwards he asks God for help to discern his own heart.

Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:21-24

Why is David so angry? What does David do with his anger and where does he direct it? What does David do immediately after expressing his anger?

As you tend to your anger this week, ask those same questions of yourself:

Why are you angry?

How can you get it out in appropriate ways without actually destroying people?

Are there things you need to do after you’ve expressed it?