Friends who are a Safe Space by Kelley Barton

Sunday’s conversation with Byron and Rod about their friendship is reverberating to many this week. “I’m crying”, on person texted me after listening to the Podcast. It has touched people deeply.

I wanted to expand a bit on what Byron shared regarding having a safe emotional friendship. My thoughts might help you identify one that you have but perhaps were unaware of. Here is why.

Have you ever noticed how your loved one (partner and/or children) can sometimes be on such good behavior around those outside your familial circle, only to aim their grumpiness towards you when others have left? Perhaps you have even noticed it in yourself.

You are in the middle of an argument, a few words tossed out that sting, and suddenly there is a knock on the door.

“Hi! How are you” is how you greet the friend who stopped by on their walk to say hello spontaneously. You did a complete 360 from the moment before. The mask went up.

 Why is that? A therapist once told me (in regard to my young children at the time) that we “put on” for others to be accepted, to fit into the social norms required. But when we are with our “Safe” people, we have to let it all down to recuperate. And sometimes we can be a bit grumpy, even nasty.

So instead of seeing that switch flip as an insult to me as a parent or spouse, I was encouraged to consider it as a compliment that I was Safe. I could of course ask that the behavior be toned down a bit, but I did not need to take it quite so personally.

It occurred to me, when listening to Byron talk about this, that the same principal applies to my friends. As I let that sink in, I wondered if I could hang onto this thought the next time a friend’s remark stung a bit, and perhaps be more gracious in my head as well as in my response. Maybe that friend needed to let down their mask and growl a bit, having kept it on most of the day. Does that mean I have become a Safe friend, that we have gone to another level? Could I find a way to feel valued as a safe friend and not take offense? Can we talk about it together?

Something I plan to explore within myself, and even gently probe when the timing is right. Will you consider it?